


Stone Soul

by wripinil (wripinel)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 09:50:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18914533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wripinel/pseuds/wripinil
Summary: They could still feel the phantom beating of that human heart, so wrong and sick in their chest.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "The Emperor's Dragon," written by sherwoodfox
> 
> Read here!  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/17611805

They were having a dream.

For some reason they were strapped down to an operating table, and unable to move. Restraints around their wrists and legs kept them in place. The overhanging light gleamed harshly in their eyes, and they had to squint their lids shut to block it out. 

A man who looked a lot like Marcoh had split open their chest. It was held open by claw-like machines. Their philosopher's stone was exposed, nestled in its web of tendons, pulsing from inside their chest and lighting up the entire room in a deep red glow. 

To their left they heard a little laugh and they snapped their head around to stare at the blonde pipsqueak, who was sitting in a hospital chair next to them. He patted their hand, and his smile was like sunshine, warm and comforting.

"It's okay, Envy, this is what we want."

"Huh?"

Envy looked back down at the scientist who had produced a bag full of sharp silver tools. On a little metal table with wheels there was a human heart, beating. It was so loud Envy could hear it like a drum. 

The Marcoh lookalike turned back around, now with a surgical mask on, with a pair of pliers in one hand and the human heart in the other. 

"No." Fear swept through Envy, hot and overwhelming. "No no no." Edward couldn't let this happen. "Pipsqueak? Please don't let him—"

Ed held their hand and circled his thumb over their skin, in a soothing manner. "It'll be over in a few seconds."

The scientist (whose face now morphed back and forth between Marcoh and Mustang, rippling like a reflection in a pond) inserted the pliers into Envy's chest cavity and Envy tried to scream, but no sound would come out. All they could do was watch in helpless, frozen horror as the scientist took their stone out with a clean little  _pop_  and inserted the heart, whose terrible beats thumped in Envy's ears louder and louder.

The claw machines whirred and let go of Envy's split-open skin. It sealed back together, encasing the alien heart inside Envy's chest.

"Just think, Envy," Edward continued cheerfully. "No more jealousy, or well, not the kind of jealousy you used to have anyway. No more burning hatred or resentment. You're one of us now!"

The philosopher's stone made a clinking sound when the pliers dropped it onto the cool metal surface of the table. Its light still glowed bright red, emanating over the entire room.

Envy reached toward it. Their fingers shook. It was only a few inches away, yes, so close, they just needed to grab it and put it back into their chest, if only they could move a little bit faster...

But suddenly Ed pushed his boot into the wheeled table and deliberately made it roll farther away. No!

"Pipsqueak..."

They looked up at his face, still smiling, gentle and kind. Full of good intentions. "It's okay, Envy. This is what you want."

On the table, the stone began to dim and lose its light. Envy couldn't speak, couldn't warn Ed what was about to happen. Their arm slowly lowered. All they could do was watch, doomed, as the stone turned dark and evaporated into dust. Ed's back was turned to it, unseeing and unaware.

Envy's body slumped on the operating table. Their pupils flattened, and their expression went vacant, gaze directed up at the ceiling.

"Huh, that's too bad," the Marcoh-scientist remarked. 

Edward pet Envy's lifeless hand, still smiling. 

"Guess you can't turn a homunculus into a human after all."

 

 ~ ~ ~ 

 

Envy woke from the nightmare gasping. Their whole body was covered in sweat. All part of the alchemic illusion, just like the rest of their body, they shouldn't need to sweat or breathe, but they did anyway.

Next to them Ed frowned and mumbled into his pillow, reaching over to turn the bedside lamp on. "Envy...?"

Envy could still feel the phantom beating of that human heart, so wrong and sick in their chest.

When Ed reached out and touched them, they screamed and scrambled backwards, falling off the bed and splintering the floor with the unrestrained impact of their weight. They crawled backwards across the floor until they collided into a wall and huddled into the dark corner as if it could protect them. It almost seemed as if panic was sending their mind into a tailspin, making it impossible to concentrate or focus on anything else.

The pipsqueak's arms wrapped around them, and they could feel themself shaking in his grip, almost vibrating. Eyes wide.

"It's okay."

Just like he'd said in the dream; false reassurances. Envy shook their head. Visions of the Marcoh/Mustang scientist floated in their mind's eye, hovering over them with those pliers.

"I’ve changed my mind."

Ed leaned back to look at them, confusion wrinkling the space between his eyebrows.

"I don't want to do it anymore, it's impossible," Envy continued. "It'll kill me."

Hands, both warm and made of human flesh now without any metal, rubbed circles into their back. Ed tilted his head, tried to soften his voice into something gentle. "You know, I think if we just keep looking, we can find a way—"

"NO!"

Envy tried to calm their breathing. Their voice shook and they swallowed it down. Tried to remind themself it was all part of the alchemic illusion. Every blink of their eyes, every twitch of their muscles, none of it was actually real. So then why couldn't they control the way their lungs took in air so rapidly, the way the center of their throat seemed to swell up?

Ed looked at them with concern from underneath the wispy fringes of his bangs. “Didn’t you say you wanted to change?”

The kindness of his tone, and the unfairness of it all (how can you be kind to ME, you idiot?!), sent a spike of pained desperation through them.

"Yeah, but," Envy had to close their eyes because heat was starting to build up behind them, threatening to overflow. "This is what I am. If you take that away, I'll die. I won't be me anymore. I'll just be...nothing."

They were the embodiment of jealousy. The sin animated them, made them breathe and think and move. Without it...they'd be like a puppet with its strings cut.

"I'm a homunculus. I'm...you can't turn a homunculus into a human." Their voice wobbled.

Ed's hand rested on top of theirs, and he frowned, trying to understand. "But...look at Heinkel and Darius. We're finding a way to turn them back into humans. If we can change them, we can change you too."

"No, you don't understand, it's different."

_You might separate Heinkel from the lion genetics and Darius from the gorilla, but with me...there's nothing to separate..._

"There might be a body left behind that looks like me, but I'll die. I'm  _nothing_  if the stone isn't there, you can't separate me from it, it powers me. If you destroy it, I'll die. That's how we die."

"Then I'll just find a way to change the stone."

"H-hm?" It was so difficult to talk through this lump in their throat, to pretend like it wasn't there.

"Me and Al, we'll find a way to change the makeup of the stone. So that you're not 'jealous' anymore."

"But..."

"Envy, all we have to do is exchange equal ratios, it's just a matter of balancing the equation of atoms, and then—"

"Didn't you learn this with your mom? You can't turn something dead into something alive!"

Edward's face darkened with shadows, and Envy paused.

They'd crossed a line bringing that up. 

Warmth left them as Ed took his hand away and stood up. No longer sitting next to them. Instead he paced back and forth across the floor, head bent forward, hands pressed together and fingertips held tight up against his mouth as he exhaled, as if trying to control his anger. Envy could see it building up in him, a simmering pot about to burst.

Normally they would have been delighted by his reaction and provoked him even more, stoked the flames and made it worse, but right now...they just wanted him back. Regret filled them; and it was not for making Ed relive a traumatic memory. (To be honest they didn't feel sympathy or care what kind of pain Ed was in, the idea of "sympathy" didn't even make sense to them.) But they regretted the loss of his warmth on their hand.

"...Sorry."

Ed turned around, surprised and taken aback by the apology.

Envy tried to school their face into something contrite, something convincing enough to make him come back. But they couldn't seem to move their facial muscles appropriately. Their expression was just frozen into a look of frustration. Why was it so hard to hide their feelings? They were a shapeshifter, disguises were their specialty, so why weren't they better at this?

"I'm sorry."

The shadows slowly faded from Ed's eyes and he nodded. He crossed his arms and stared at the wall for a moment. Something sharp twisted inside Envy.

_Do you hate me?_

They brought their hand up to their chest, and pressed it there. To feel that nothing was beating inside.

"I..."

Ed still wouldn't look at them.

"I'm an  _artificial_  human. I'm...made up of a bunch of dead humans. So that means I'm not really alive."

Another nod indicated that Ed was listening to Envy explain. Willing to drop the earlier topic and pretend it wasn't said.

"The stone powers me, but it isn't just what makes me walk and talk, it's... It's me, it's my core. It's who I am."

Edward shook his head. "Right, I know."

Envy waited for him to continue.

"But I was saying we can take the jealousy out of your stone and switch it with something else--"

"Like WHAT?"

They didn't mean for their voice to shriek like that. Ed looked startled.

"What are you going to replace the jealousy with? I'm Envy the Jealous, I won't be ENVY anymore if you take it out of me! It's my fucking soul!"

Ed leaned down suddenly and took their face between his hands and kissed them. Their breath stopped with shock.

He lowered himself back down to the ground and pressed his forehead against theirs.

"I know there's more to you than jealousy."

The intensity of his stare held them frozen in place. One by one, tears began to leak out. Wetting the tips of Ed’s fingers and sliding down past Envy’s chin, until they evaporated into dust.

"You homunculi...you guys have a lot more than just one emotion."

Pride had always argued otherwise, always gloating about being purer than humans with all their messy human feelings. He was a perfect sin, the picture of arrogance and nothing else. Even though Pride often experienced anger. And, as it later turned out, hunger.

Envy shook their head in Ed's grip, lost in old memories of inferiority, back when they were first made. _'If Pride is pure arrogance, and Lust is pure lasciviousness, then...what's wrong with_  me?' They weren't supposed to feel despair. They weren't supposed to feel suicidal. They weren't supposed to be sad and want to cry all the time. And if Wrath had all the anger, then why did Envy explode into violent rages all the time? Why were they so out of control?

They were just supposed to kill. Perform their assignments perfectly, use the gift they'd been given, obey Father, and bask in their superiority over this world.

But...

In the same way their older brother Greed only desired the  _finer_  things in life, their own sin was also selective.

Envy wasn't jealous of animals. They weren't jealous of plants or inanimate objects. And, it had always struck them as odd, but they actually did not feel jealousy for any of their family members. No, their sin was targeted at humans exclusively. They could feel the desire eating them up inside from the very first day.  _'I want to be like you, I want to be like you, why can't I be like you...'_

"Envy?"

Ed kissed their cheek, a quick and soft little peck, and Envy gripped onto his elbows with iron strength, pulling him closer. Keeping him from getting up or running away. Edward was the only one who had ever been able to understand Envy, and they hated and loved him for that. It was an odd contradiction.

"We'll make you human. And if we can't do that, then we'll make it so that you're closer to human. Okay? I promise."

They were too tired to respond, drained of all fight. So they just nodded, and let Ed guide them up and back to bed and rub circles into their back.

"I don't want to go back to sleep," they muttered.

They didn't have to sleep, their body didn't need it. It was just a way to pass the time, in the boredom of nothing else to do.

"Want a book?"

Envy shrugged. 

"I've got some history stuff." Ed pulled out a thick tome from the bottom of his bookshelf.  _A History of Amestris._  "Here, you can try to go through this one, and, I don't know, just...correct whatever's wrong I guess. Rewrite the whole book. That should keep you up for a bit."

Envy snorted, and took the heavy book from Ed like it weighed no more than a feather. 

"Okay."

It was the closest they could come to saying 'thank you.'

They spent the rest of the night methodically blacking out every single line of text, because it was all wrong. And the act was weirdly mesmerizing, just the repetitive motion of slashing over the words, slowly running out of ink. For a few hours they almost felt calm, lost in white noise.


	2. Chase You Deep Into the Unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the lyrics of the song "Spark" by Digital Daggers, many thanks to saltedsprinkles for sharing this beautiful edvy song with me!

Envy had another dream.

Curled up under the crook of Ed's arm, they breathed slowly into his side, hands twitching periodically.

They were back in one of the dark tunnels underground. The physical space of the shadows seemed distorted, as if everything swayed back and forth in a pendulum swing. 

A tiny golden light danced in the air. Envy clapped it between their hands. It glowed for a moment under their fingers, then vanished and reappeared back in the darkness, dancing just out of their reach and flitting away higher up.

When Envy jumped to catch it, it began floating swiftly down the tunnel in a purposeful direction so that they had to run to keep up, faster and faster. As they chased after it, the tunnel never changed, but it still felt like a destination was coming. Their legs moved so fast it felt like they must be flying, they were so close to the light they stretched out their hand to touch it again, just the tip of their index finger, if only they could run just a little bit faster, fly—

Envy woke with an inhale and blinked their eyes open in the morning light.

Above them, Ed still slept.

Envy rested their chin lightly on Ed's shoulder and just watched him for a little while. The bright yellow strands of his hair fanned across the pillow, catching sunlight from the window. His mouth had fallen open slightly, revealing the perfect white line of his teeth. His arm was thrown over the pillow, and the muscles under his arm were visible, the vein that traveled across his elbow and lifted slightly through his skin with each pulse...

The alchemist looked so peaceful. Rested. It would be a shame if anything were to...disturb him...

With a smile, Envy gave his forehead one firm poke.

Ed yelled himself awake, eyes wide as he flailed at the air and fell off the other side of the bed, taking the sheets down with him. Envy giggled and denied all accusations when Ed stood up, gleefully stretching their arms up onto the pillows and wriggling back into the warmth of the mattress.

 

~ ~ ~

 

In the search for how to turn Envy human, Ed unexpectedly had to leave to see another alchemist in a neighboring city. Envy thought nothing of it at first. They'd just wait for him to come back.

But then, that was the problem.

As the first day wore on, Envy grew increasingly restless. They didn't know what to do. They tried reading, but they had no patience for it.

They disguised themself as a civilian and took a walk outside, browsing shops and observing people on the street. They transformed into various annoying characters to harass the pedestrians (a drunk old man, a religious salesman, an angry beggar, a doomsday prophet), but nothing worked, not even when they started a fight between a couple who'd been sloppily making out on a park bench, by turning into a beautiful woman and blowing a kiss at the man to catch his eye, swaying their hips. Some mysterious space within their chest continued to ache like a sickness.

They didn't know where Ed was in that other city, and they weren't sure if they could find him. Ed hadn't given them an address.

Now they walked in circles around edges of the living room, trying to reassure themself that Ed still had all his possessions left behind here, and he wouldn't just leave everything. Or would he? Hadn't he done that in the past, hadn't he burned his entire house down?

Envy jumped onto the couch and drew their feet up, arms around their chest.

Did Ed...really forgive them for that thing they'd said about his mom? He hadn't said anything about it, but...

They pressed their fingers into their temples. The souls they housed in their core would only manifest physically on their skin in their unleashed form, but the voices still kept talking no matter what form they took on. The loudness varied depending on Envy's own state of mind. If Envy was confident and self-assured in their greatness, they could tune out the voices easily, and everything faded into the background. But the moment a little doubt crept in, the instant they dared to want what they couldn't have...

Envy turned and curled into the backrest of the couch. 

Ed said he would be gone "a few days."

 

~ ~ ~

 

On the third night without Edward, Envy was not alone in their dreams. The voices followed them there.

They withdrew into their core, seeing a swirling red vortex of the Xerxians who, in life, had been the most desperate for approval, had resented the most what wasn’t theirs. Much like the souls inside Greed they wanted everything and anything: love, wealth, fame, possessions, friends. The key difference being that they hated whoever had these things with a deep, bitter venom, their entire identities built on a platform of anger and insecurity.

And they had gone from moaning about their own predicaments (“Why can’t I have a dog, it’s not fair," "Where’s MY praise and glory, why does SHE get have it all?”) to suddenly turning on Envy. 

Envy’s mood had shifted to a darker place and the souls sensed it, like sharks scenting blood in the water. And they were full of vengeance. 

“He doesn’t love you,” said one woman, her eyes twin gaping holes of misery. “He could never love something like you, you’re too awful.”

“You’ll never have him,” a man shook his head, skin melting.

A child reached toward Envy, hands made of stubby little ghostly fingers, “You should be in here with us, it’s not fair that you’re on the outside.”

_Let us out, let us out, let us out…_

 

~ ~ ~

 

"He's coming back, RIGHT?!"

A lamp was thrown against the wall, shards breaking into a dozen pieces that scattered all over the floor. 

Envy repeated themself several more times with increasing volume, and continued their destruction. Cups and pans crashed, the couch was shredded, writing supplies were snapped and torn apart, various drinks and medicines were hurled agains the door and clothes ripped, assorted papers torn from inside Ed's desk, a wooden chair splintered into pieces...

By the end of it Envy sat in a disastrous circle of ruined possessions and screamed, clutching at their eyes. 

"HE'S COMING BACK!!"

_He left you...he doesn't want you anymore..._

They pressed their forehead to the floor, beating their fists on the back of their head and shoulders in a feeble attempt to make the Xerxian souls shut up. Crying tears so loud and painful it was like they'd lost everything.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Ed alternated between whistling and munching on an apple as he climbed up the stairs up to the third floor of the complex, where his apartment was just down the hallway.

He turned the key in the lock only to find that the door wouldn't open.

Something was blocking it. 

Ed pushed his shoulder against it and gritted his teeth, wrenching the door forward. Shards of tinkling glass and the drag of broken furniture accompanied it, piles of torn cloth were wedged under the frame.

Ed stepped into the room and heard a crunch beneath his foot, the remnants of a shattered glass lamp. “Envy...?”

He ducked his head into the kitchen, taken aback by the sheer destruction that lay all over the floor, the dents and cracks in all the walls. A cold fear spread through him, trickling down the back of his neck and settling in the pit of his stomach. 

He looked all around the living room but saw no sign of the homunculus anywhere. He looked in the bathroom, behind the shower curtain, in the bedroom, in the living room again. He was about to look in the washing room at the end of the hallway, when he rounded the corner and saw the tips of two pale feet in the shadows.

“Envy!” Something was very wrong.

The hallway was dark, having no windows. Nearly pitch black. Only a little dim light came from a corner behind the doorway that led to the rest of the apartment, and it made s trands of Edward’s hair glow golden in the darkness.

Envy looked up as soon as Ed entered through the doorway, and their eyes were vacant. When they spoke, their voice was dull.  "You came back..."

Suddenly Edward was crushed into the opposite wall of the hallway with an armful of homunculus knocking the breath out of him.

Envy had their face hidden in Ed's neck, arms wrapped tight around him. They pressed their entire body up against Ed's until the wall creaked behind him.

"Um," Ed wheezed, "wait, Envy, can you, um...? I kinda can't breathe..."

Envy shook their head and loosened their grip only a tiny bit.

"Okay. Okay, okay...it's okay." Ed's hands pet up and down Envy's back, squeezing at their shoulders and hugging them back. 

Envy burrowed their face into the crook of Ed's neck, whimpering. "It hurts..."

"What does?" Ed's voice was low, worried.  

"My head...the souls, they won't stop talking...make them stop..."

"Okay." White hot panic was starting to settle in Ed's chest, he didn't know what to do. Envy started crying and the fear in Edward spiked to impossible levels. 

"Do you hate me?" they sobbed. "Is that why you left, because you hate me?"

"What? No," Ed shook his head, thrown off completely.

"Yes, you do. You left because, because—"

"Envy, I don't—"

"Because of what I said about your mother!"

Outside the hallway, something unbalanced fell over into the pile of broken things on the floor, and it made a thumping sound. The liquids from the bottles Envy had thrown against the wall had long since dried, the puddles sticky and dark on the wooden floor. 

"Envy..."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Edward shushed them, and pulled them closer. "Come on, let's go sit down."

The bedroom at least hadn't been touched, although the bedsheets were gone. Ed sat Envy down on the relatively mark-free mattress, the creak of the bedsprings under their uncontrolled weight making a terrible groan. He stroked the sides of their face, coaxing them to look up at him. Light streamed in from the window.

"Envy..."

Their sobbing was uninhibited, their face contorting and becoming ugly as humans' did with the force of their misery.  "You hate me..."

"I don't hate you."

They shook their head.

"I promise I don't hate you, Envy."

Their wails seemed to increase at that, and he sat next to them on the bed, encouraging them to lean into him and holding them around their chest, cradling them.

"Are the voices here right now?"

Envy's shoulders hiccuped when they nodded into his shoulder.

"What are they saying?"

"They-they're saying..." Envy's eyes closed and they leaned harder into Edward until he was afraid they might crush him again. "I...I..."

"It's okay, you don't have to," Edward said quickly, not wanting to make Envy repeat the Xerxians' words if they didn't want to. But Envy continued, too far gone to stop.

"'I'm worthless'...'Why does she get to be beautiful and I don't?'...'I hate everyone'...'It's not fair, I want that, they don't deserve it'...'Everyone hates me'..."

Edward rubbed at their back, making little circles with his palm as he attempted to rock them back and forth. 

It must be awful to live with so many people in your head longing for what they can't have, to feel their own thoughts feeding yours in a continuous loop.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Ed remembered the night Envy had told him about the voices.


End file.
